The source of all problems

If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking, “Why am I like this?” or “What’s wrong with me?”- you’re not alone. Most people, at some point, wrestle with emotions or behaviours they don’t fully understand. Maybe it’s anxiety that flares up out of nowhere. Maybe it’s a constant feeling of emptiness. Or a pattern of burnout, procrastination, or self-sabotage that keeps repeating itself despite your best efforts.

But what if the problem wasn’t a flaw in your personality or a disorder in your brain? What if what you were feeling was actually… normal?

The truth is, most of the emotional and mental struggles we face aren’t signs that we’re broken. They’re signals - messengers from deep within us pointing to something vital that’s missing. Underneath the surface of every emotional challenge is a simple, powerful reality:

All emotional problems are rooted in unmet needs.

Let’s step back for a moment.

Every living organism is driven by needs. Even the tiniest single-celled creature has to respond to its environment to survive—seeking nourishment, safety, and reproduction. It either finds what it needs or it dies. The drive to meet needs is hardwired into life itself.

Humans are no different, though our needs are far more complex. Of course, we need food, water, sleep, and safety. But beyond those basics, we also have deep emotional and psychological needs—needs that must be met if we want to feel whole, grounded, and truly alive.

When those needs aren’t met—not just once, but over and over, sometimes for years—our system goes into distress. We might not always know what’s wrong, but we feel the effects. Anxiety. Depression. Loneliness. Addiction. Numbness. Emotional reactivity. Disconnection. These are all ways the body and mind alert us that something fundamental is missing.

And yet, instead of listening to those signals, we’re often taught to ignore, suppress, or medicate them. We try to “fix” the anxiety or beat ourselves up for procrastinating, without ever stopping to ask, What is this trying to tell me?

Here’s the thing: your emotional responses aren’t random. They’re patterned. Meaningful. Intelligent, even. They’re built to guide you back to what you need.

Imagine someone who constantly overthinks everything. On the surface, they might describe themselves as “just an anxious person.” But when you look closer, you might discover that they don’t feel safe or in control. Their mind is trying to create a sense of certainty where there is none—because the deeper need for safety, predictability, and reassurance isn’t being met.

Or take someone who feels constantly exhausted, even when they’re not physically overworked. Underneath that fatigue might be a chronic lack of meaning in their day-to-day life. They might be going through the motions, but without a sense of purpose, everything feels heavier.

This is the heart of the matter: our problems are rarely the problem. The problem is that we’re disconnected from what we truly need.

Over time, this disconnection takes its toll. People lose hope. They start to believe they’re lazy, too sensitive, not resilient enough. But what’s really happening is that they’ve been trying to survive without the emotional building blocks that make life feel meaningful and manageable.

So what are these emotional building blocks?

Psychologists have spent decades trying to define them, and one particularly helpful model—called Human Givens—suggests that we are all born with a set of core emotional needs. These include the need to feel safe, to connect with others, to feel we have some control in our lives, to be seen and valued, to feel competent, to have purpose, and to experience joy. These needs aren’t luxuries or “nice to haves.” They are fundamental.

When even one of these needs is consistently unmet, problems begin to show up. Sometimes it’s a subtle restlessness. Other times it’s a full-blown crisis. Either way, it’s the same story: something that matters deeply to us isn’t being cared for.

Let’s take loneliness as an example. Loneliness isn’t a weakness—it’s a natural response to a lack of meaningful connection. It’s your mind and body’s way of saying, You need to be seen. You need to feel close to someone. Just like thirst alerts you to dehydration, loneliness alerts you to emotional isolation. The suffering comes not from the signal itself, but from not knowing how to respond to it—or feeling like you’re not allowed to.

Or take burnout. Burnout isn’t just about working too hard. It’s often about working without purpose. Without recognition. Without a sense of control. You can be busy and feel energised if your deeper needs are being met. But when they’re not, even the smallest tasks can feel unbearable.

Understanding this changes everything. Instead of trying to “fix” the symptom, you can turn your attention to the need underneath it. Instead of labelling yourself as broken, you can begin to ask a new, more compassionate question:

What is this feeling trying to tell me I need?

And from there, healing becomes less about struggle and more about alignment. You begin to meet your needs more intentionally—through connection, boundaries, rest, creative expression, meaningful work, or even just being kinder to yourself. Over time, the symptoms start to ease, not because you’ve pushed them away, but because the root cause has been addressed.

Of course, this isn’t always easy. Some needs are harder to meet than others. Some take time. Others require help from professionals, support from loved ones, or a major life shift. But even the smallest change—one need met just a little more fully—can create a ripple effect of healing.

And here’s the beautiful part: when your needs are being met consistently, you begin to grow. You stop operating in survival mode. You develop spare capacity—emotional energy to give, create, explore, and contribute. Life becomes less about coping and more about living. You begin to thrive.

So the next time you’re struggling—whether you’re stuck in anxiety, boredom, burnout, or emotional chaos—pause and ask yourself: What do I need right now that I’m not getting? And not just on the surface. Go deeper. Ask again. Listen for the real answer.

Because that’s where the healing begins.

And that’s where you’ll find the source of all your solutions.